Modern parenting experts advise parents to explain their decisions to children on the basis that this will make it easier for them to follow the rules. However, the long term consequences of this approach are children who grow up expecting their parents to explain why they are being asked to do something. Having to explain a rule or decision to a two year old is one thing – having to rationalise with 3 teens or pre-teens about every request parents make or discipline they impose becomes a source of frustration and contention in the home.
The Effect of Arguing in the Home
There is new evidence that family arguing affects children throughout their lives. A recent report by the long running Simmon Longitudinal Study, published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (March 2009), focused on family arguments. It looked at the effects of parents fighting with each other, and with their children. It found that 15-year-olds involved in family arguments were more likely to be functioning poorly at age 30 than other people in the study who did not live in argumentative homes. The children exposed to family fighting were two to three times more likely to be unemployed, suffer from major depression, or abuse alcohol or other drugs by age 30. They also were more likely to struggle in personal relationships, but that was evident to a somewhat lesser degree.
Parents need to avoid modern parenting styles that could lead to households where children feel entitled to challenge their parents on any and every decision. How many parents today can give an instruction to a child and have it followed out immediately and politely? Probably, few. Parents got into the habit of explaining things to their children and their children got into the habit of saying "why?" and getting a reply.
What Makes a Family Work Well
For a house to work well, there must be a clear leader (or leaders) and the other members of the family must be willing to accept the decisions of these leaders. There can't be constant arguments and negotiations about chores, bath times, homework, computer time, TV watching, phone calls, friends coming over, bed time, sleepovers – the list is endless.
A happy family works rather like an army unit – the officers make the rules and the privates follow those rules. As long as the parents are firm, fair, consistent and perceived to be in charge, then children are content to give over the reins to them. A family without clear leaders is a chaotic family unit.
Expecting children to respect parents' authority is not about stifling communication or a child's self-expression. Instead, growing up in a home where family relations are peaceful and warm allows children to flourish as well as enjoy each other's companies.
Strategies for being 'Unreasonable'
Parents need to be clear in their own minds and with their children about when it is okay to discuss matters and when it is not. The weekly family meeting might be a good time to discuss issues; when parents are disciplining or giving chores is not.
As there is bound to be some resistance at first, giving chores every time a parent's request is followed by the word "why" can be very effective!
In addition, parents need to stay in control of their temper. This isn't about being abusive or angry – that is clearly a sign that they are not in charge. It is about expecting children to recognise them as the leader of the family unit and accept their instructions as such. Parents who are used to losing their cool must practise staying calm, no matter what the provocation. Any time parents lose their temper is a time when they have shown their children that they are not in charge, and are, therefore, open to challenges.
There is a place for explanations and being "reasonable" in a family. Indeed, talking to children and teaching them about the world provides many wonderful opportunities for bonding and laughter. However, that time is not when parents are giving instructions or making decisions.
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