Saying No – A Gift to Give Adolescent Children

Reframing Teen Discipline Helps Parents While Setting Limits

Sep 24, 2009

When parents reframe the idea of setting limits as a gift to give their teenage child, they will recognize the value of saying "no".

Many parents have a hard time setting limits and saying “no” to their adolescent children. Teenagers argue back, act pitiful, and try to get parents to feel guilty. Parents sometimes give in on teen discipline issues because of exhaustion, feelings of guilt or to avoid a bad scene or power struggle. Some of these same parents also like to give gifts to their teens: cars, extravagant parties, excessive shopping trips to the mall and money for teens to eat out with their friends. Parents love their children so much that they want their children to have the best.

Parents think they are expressing love for a teenage child when parents give as much as they can. But hearing “yes” all the time is not what’s best for teens. Effective teen discipline includes saying “no” and can help teens develop important life skills. Setting limits with a simple and calm “no” is one of the best gifts parents can give a teenage child, especially to teens who rarely hear the answer “no”. Looking at "no" in a new light can help parents understand the value of not trying to grant a teen's every request.

The Value of Saying No – A Gift for Adolescent Children

When a parent’s answer is “no”, parents are actually presenting a teen with a valuable opportunity. By setting limits and not giving children everything they want, parents are helping teens develop life skills such as patience, self-control, problem solving skills, resourcefulness – all gifts that will help teens turn into responsible adults.

A teenage child may get angry at first when parents say no, but later after a teen has calmed down, parents can help a teen problem solve. For example a teenager may have spent his allowance for the month and ask a parent for extra money to eat out with his friends. If a parent has said, “No, I’m not giving you extra money”, later the parent might ask, “What can you and your friends do together that doesn’t cost money?”

Parents must monitor themselves and not supply teens with answers to such questions. Teens will learn more life skills if parents simply ask questions and let teens come up with answers on their own.

The Value of Saying No – A Gift Parents Give Themselves

When parents say no to a teen, it is often a gift that parents give themselves. In the name of love or out of guilt, many parents give their kids time, material gifts and experiences to the point of depleting the parent, emotionally, physically and financially. It can help parents to reframe the idea of setting limits and view saying no as a gift that parents give themselves.

Parenting adolescent children is a balancing act and good parenting isn’t all self-sacrificing. Overtired parents may want to ponder over the time and resources they give kids everyday. What if some of the time, money or energy could instead go towards better self care for the parent? Parents who nurture themselves as well as they nurture their children model the life skill of healthy self-care.

Visually Reframing "No" Can Help Parents

A technique to visually reframe a situation can help parents work towards saying “no” more often to teens, . For parents who love to give gifts to their children, some parents find it helpful to visualize an actual gift box with a bow on top as the gift they give when they tell a teen “no”.

Tips for Saying No to Adolescent Children

Saying the word “no” to teens will be more of a gift if parents follow a few guidelines. The tips below can help parents plan ahead for how they will say no, so that they can deliver "no" in the most effective way possible.

It’s hard for teens to learn self-control, patience, delayed gratification and other life skills if teenagers get everything they request. Teens need practice at strengthening their “disappointment muscles”. Reframing a "no" answer as a gift can help parents who have a hard time telling their teens “no”.

The copyright of the article Saying No – A Gift to Give Adolescent Children in Teen Discipline is owned by Kelly Pfeiffer. Permission to republish Saying No – A Gift to Give Adolescent Children in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.