How Punishing Teens Creates Discipline Problems
Positive Parenting Tips – Foster Life Lessons, Not Teenage Rebellion
Nov 4, 2009
Punishing teens often creates more discipline problems than it solves. The books Positive Discipline (Ballentine Books, 2006) and Positive Discipline for Teens (Three Rivers Press, 2000) both offer parenting tips that help parents understand how typical punishments usually increase teenage rebellion instead of helping teens learn life lessons. The authors help parents discern the difference between punishment and discipline.
The Reality of Punishing Teens
In the book, Positive Discipline, Jane Nelsen defines punishment as anything that causes blame, shame or pain. When parents focus on blaming, shaming and causing pain to teens, the brain's limbic system reacts with intense defense. When parents punish teens, most teens do not react with remorse and a “how can I make it better” attitude. Instead teens most likely react with one of the "Four R’s of Punishment", reactions that lead to increased discipline problems.
The Four R’s of Punishing Teens
Parents use punishment because it appears to stop misbehavior immediately. “Sometimes we must beware of what works when the long-term results are negative,” is one of the many parenting tips from Nelsen in the book Positive Discipline.
“The long-term results of punishment are that children usually adopt one or all of the Four R’s of Punishment:
- Resentment
- Revenge
- Rebellion
- Retreat (Sneakiness or Reduced Self Esteem)"
How Punishing Teens Intensifies Discipline Problems
When teens react with one or more of the "Four R’s of Punishment", they are not focused on life lessons such as making restitution, realizing how their actions affects others and learning how to repair mistakes. Instead of thinking about a mistake or misbehavior, teens usually stew with thoughts such as “My parents are so mean” or “How can I not get caught next time?”
How Parents Fan the Flames of Teenage Rebellion
In Positive Discipline for Teenagers, authors Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott explain that many parents view typical teen individuation – a teen establishing himself or herself as an individual – as teenage rebellion. These parents see teen individuation as a discipline problem.
Nelsen and Lott explain that it is normal for teens to deliberately do the opposite of what parents value most, as a way for teens to show that they are individuals. When parents don’t understand the natural individuation process, parents take a teen’s actions very personally and react with strong punishments. Nelsen and Lott warn that individuation may turn into all-out teenage rebellion if parents fan the flames of rebellion. The authors offer parenting tips for turning discipline problems into life lessons for teens.
Parenting Tips – Cool Off and Teen Problem Solving
In all of her parenting books, Nelsen states clearly that not punishing teens does not mean that parents should instead be permissive. The Positive Discipline books recommend that a parent first allow time for both parent and the teen to cool off. Next Nelsen recommends that parents meet with teens and ask “what and how questions” so that teens can problem solve how they will make restitution, pay for amends, or rectify the situation. Teens will learn more life lessons by making up for their mistakes than they will by being punished – blamed, shamed or caused pain.
Examples of “what and how questions”:
- “How are you going to pay for this speeding ticket?”
- “How are you going to pay for the increase in the car insurance?”
- “What can you do to make up for me having to take the garbage to the street because you forgot?”
Parenting Tips on Teaching Life Lessons to Teens
Positive Discipline for Teenagers offers many parenting tips that teach life lessons to teens. Chapter 6 entitled “How Do You Get Teens to Keep Their Agreements?” discusses effective follow through techniques. Parents can help teens learn life lessons by holding teens to agreements to make restitution, make amends or fix the problem caused by a teen’s mistake or misbehavior.
The discipline problem with punishing teens is that it doesn’t work in the long run to teach life lessons. Instead, punishment usually increases teenage rebellion and doesn’t involve teens in solving problems and making amends for mistakes. Positive Discipline for Teenagers offers more parenting tips for teaching life lessons to teenagers, deescalating teenage rebellion and theunderstanding the beliefs behind teenage behavior problems.
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