Feeling Guilty after Punishing Your Teenager
Parents Need to Recenter to Avoid Remorse after Disciplining
Very few parents feel good after laying down the consequences for negative teen behavior. However, they should remember they have held up their end of parenting responsibility, examine the emotions they are experiencing, and find support from their partner or other adult peer in reviewing the punishment.
Punishment Holds Up Your End of the Parenting Agreement
Whether a parenting contract is in place with your teen or you are just parenting on common sense, discipline is your responsibility to help teenagers learn the consequences of their actions.
If a contract is in place, review the stated consequence and see how the punishment has met the goals of the agreement between you and your teenager. Remember, if the behavior occurred requiring your contracted response, you have helped your teenager learn a lesson that can be applied to all future behavior.
If a contract is not in place, you still have a duty to invoke punishment in the face of unacceptable behavior. It is one of the duties parents have to their children and to all of society so the teenager grows up to be a responsible adult aware of their actions and its effects on others. You may wish to contract with your teenager for future actions and consequences.
Emotions Often Run High during Punishment
Parents may feel both remorse and guilt after defining a punishment and, if so, they need to examine the roots of the emotions. A certain amount of guilt is normal, however prolonged feelings of regret or depression may indicate a problem in either the content of the discipline or the time frame it lasts.
If the emotions expressed between parent and teenager became extremely raw in the moment, parents may want to take a cooling off period for both themselves and their teenager. Taking five minutes in a quiet place can help parents regain composure. During this time try to focus on the goals of parenting, the content of the contract, if any, and the duty to be a parent first and friend second.
The teenager should also take the cooling off period to either do some short physical activity or, depending on the teenager, journal the event and their reactions.
When both the parent and teenager are composed, the parent should then repeat the outline of what the punishment is and why. Parents may wish to allow teenagers to ask questions, however, if parents are already feeling guilty allowing questions may make them vulnerable to manipulation.
Finding Strength in Partners and Peers
One of the best ways to avoid feelings of guilt after dealing out discipline is to seek support from one's partner or spouse. Outline what happened, how the teen behaved and how you responded. If you are parenting with a spouse or partner, it is important to immediately bring any punishment you have given to your partner's attention. This helps to present a united front.
Again, if feelings of guilt, remorse or depression are problematic, share this with your partner as well. Your partner may be able to help you explore these emotions or at least provide a sounding board to evaluate why you responded to the teens behavior in the manner which led to the negative emotions.
Discipline is an important part of your duties as a parent. Emotions are involved in any human interaction of a personal nature and this includes punishing inappropriate behavior. Parents should seek solace in a review of their goals of parenting, an honest review of their emotional state and finding support from their partners or close adult peers.
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